Dude, C'mon, Dude: Cocks lunch with Morgan Ensberg

Update: Marlo on the photo cred. Don't act like you weren't as geeked out as Cocks was to meet him.

Why we play the game

FAU and WKU present Rain Delay Theatre @ Yahoo! Video

Ball players at their finest.

Vengeful Shylock Revealed

(From McSweeny's)

Opening Day Genesis.

BY GLENN BIRKEMEIER

- - - -

In the big inning, God created Heaven on Earth. And it was without form, and void. God separated the dirt from the grass. He called the grass Outfield and the dirt He called Infield. God made the Infield a 90-foot square and the Outfield not less than 400 feet to center and 320 feet down the lines. He declared this Fair Territory. All other territory, God then declared, was Foul.

And God divided the players into two teams of nine players each, under direction of a manager, to play The Game on His field. God called some of these players Pitchers and some of them Hitters. He placed a Pitcher precisely 60 feet 6 inches from a Hitter. Then God commanded that it's one, two, three strikes you're out at the ol' Ballgame.

And God granted jurisdiction of The Game to lesser Gods, whom He called Umpires. God said the Umpires are infallible, blessed with Heavenly authority, whose judgment is not to be questioned under penalty of expulsion from The Game. And God looked at his creation and He was pleased. Then God created the Infield Fly Rule to confuse nonbelievers.

And God said, Let there be light beer, and there was. And, God said, let there be peanuts and hot dogs and overpriced souvenirs and let there be frosty chocolate malts with little wooden spoons that you can buy nowhere else except at this Heaven, which God called a Ballpark, and there was. God looked at His creation and it was good.

And the Lord God formed, from the dust, a collection of elite players in His own image. The Lord God then breathed the breath of life into His creation. God called this creation the National League.

And God said, It is not good for the National League to be alone. The Lord God shall make it a mate. And thus, while the National League slept, God took several of its top players and created the American League.

And God blessed The Game, saying, Be fruitful and multiply. Put teams in every city with deserving fans, God added, even if this occurs at the expense of starting-pitching depth.

From time to time, God understood, The Game would be corrupted by the Serpent. The Serpent was more cunning than any other beast and he would take many wicked forms: the Black Sox, segregation, the Designated Hitter, the Reserve Clause, dead balls, juiced balls, spit balls, corked bats, George Steinbrenner, AstroTurf, the 1981 strike, collusion, lockouts, Pete Rose, the 1994 strike, greenies, cocaine, HGH, Andro, steroids, $20 parking, corporate mallparks, Scott Boras, Donald Fehr, and Bud Selig.

But, God said, the goodness in The Game shall always prevail. As needed, the Lord shall bestow upon The Game a Savior. And the Savior, like the Serpent, can take many forms. The Savior shall remind Fans how blessed The Game truly is. The Savior shall be called by many names, including Cy, Matty, Honus, Big Train, the Babe, Wrigley Field, Fenway Park, Lou Gehrig, Branch Rickey, Jackie Robinson, Buck O'Neil, Hank Greenberg, Red Barber, Harry Carey, Vin Scully, Jack Buck, Satchel Paige, Bill Veeck, Roberto Clemente, Ernie Banks, Hammerin' Hank, Cool Papa, Dizzy, Lefty, Whitey, Stan the Man, Big Klu, the Say Hey Kid, Campy, Duke, the Mick, the Splendid Splinter, the Gas House Gang, the Big Red Machine, the Damn Yankees, Pudge Fisk, Pudge Rodriguez, Yaz, Pops, the Wizard of Oz, Fernando, George Brett, Moonlight Graham, Roy Hobbs, Wild Thing Vaughn, Bingo Long, the Ryan Express, Donnie Baseball, Rickey, Eck, the Big Unit, the Cactus League, Cal Ripken, Tony Gwynn, Camden Yards, Rotisserie Drafts, Web Gems, Derek Jeter, Dontrelle Willis, Vlad Guerrero, and, from the Far East, Ichiro. And, God guaranteed, there are many more to come.

God looked upon His creation and He was very pleased. And God spoke, yelling, PLAY BALL!

Griffey-Esque Athleticism!

Sports Guy Does Stats!

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/100402

Sox Announce Plans to Return to Original 1912 Conditions

Red Sox Announce Plans To Return Fenway To Original 1912 Conditions

Shylock's Yankee-Tendencies

Virtual Arch and the hooves of an Ass

Scenes from the Draft

Gutierrez: Juan-Pierre-esque in his work ethic

Gutierrez the quasi-savant. King Felix is lucky to have this fellow.

Bets Made after Draft

Ants vs. Marlo: Ants bet beer chug that Juan Pierre won't net 25 steals.

chin, son of chin

Keepers and claimed Draft Picks So Far

Draft Date: March 20th, 9PM EST.

KEEPERS

Ants: howard, utley, tulo.

Cocks: reyes, roberts, kemp

Champ: Wright; Kinsler; Halladay

Chins: Zimmerman, Hunter, Cano

Ass Clowns: Longoria, Grienke and Zobrist.

Ass-Head: Youkilis; Gonzalez, A; Werth

Wolf: Wainwright, Braun, Texiera

Matzusaka: Crawford, Ramirez, Upton

Stanton: Cabrera, Sizemore, Martinez

Sexual Chocolate: Ellsbury, Sabbathia, Holliday

Fukudome: Prince, Ichiro & Victorino

Pinkies: Pujols; Arod; Lincecum

Draft Picks

1: Ass-Head

2: Selfless Foragers

3: Arch Stanton

4: Cocks

5: Ass Clowns

6: Wolf

7: Fukudome

8: Chins

9: Sexual Chocolate

10: Stinky Pinkies

11: Marlo

12: Matsuzaka

ALL KEEPERS DUE BY MARCH 13TH

ALL TRADES FOR DRAFT PICKS AND KEEPERS MUST BE COMPLETED BY MARCH 17TH.

Draft position...

I'll take the 9th spot....

Trade 3/13/10

Herewith forby let it therefore be stated thus:

Chins trade 2nd round draft pick to Marlo for Felix Hernandez.

W33k 11

Pictured: Matsuzaka's Revenge GM Clarence
Not Pictured: Selfless Foragers "Nip-Dream Crushers"

The Accidente (apologies to John Prine)

Last night I saw an interview
in the clubhouse at Chavez Ravine
two brain cells collided and I got excited
just being part of that scene

It was a Ramirez from the L.A. Dodgirez
Torre was wincing from afar--
he got hits from a man in a lite blue headband
who had obviously not been to a lawyer.

Chorus:
Fans don't know how lucky they are
they could have run into a tree
got struck by a bolt of lightning
and raped by a man named Manny.

BobbleHead Jimmy

Scenes From Draft Day, cont.

Above: Matsuzaka's Revenge GM Clarence, 2 minutes before draft start.

Perhaps explaining a pitching staff which Harold The Assaultist Reynolds described as "Shit-eating..... at best."

Does this Man look Worried?

Marlo does not get dismayed, Mr. Fukudome. He goes 6/6. Scores 5 runs. Throws in some variety for the fans. And steals a base. You spend your time talking smack, you gonna get got.

To the Selfless workings of Jimmy Shields and Danny Haren

Scenes From Draft Day

The Tequila Bottle before Marlo drafted Bobby Abreu

Nourishment

Ass Clowns and Fukudome? about to pee on Stanton's rug.

"My Cubbie Problem is Overwhelming."

Marlo and Selfless Foragers wearing their respective amulets, only one of which proved to have any power.

Women at Noses draft: 0. Ass Mustaches: 1.

Stanton cheating his way into another 11th place finish.

“I don’t think I was perfect by any means."

"I just think that everyone we put on the mound has a chance to make the other guys very uncomfortable." - J. Beckett.

Aaron Cook Dazzles in Season Opener

I pick you up on opening day off the pre-season scrap heap to give us a shot in the arm and this is how you repay me?




Not pictured: Aaron Cook lands to break both legs and arms

Cubs to Continue Tradition of Playing Baseball

CHICAGO—The Chicago Cubs, an Illinois-based Major League Baseball club, has continued its rich tradition of sending nine players onto the field and engaging its opponents in games of baseball. "This is an organization with a storied history of taking the field for 162 games a year, sometimes slightly more," manager Lou Piniella said in a pregame press conference in which he reverently lauded the fact that, since 1870, Cubs players have been dutifully hitting, running, pitching, and playing defense on days when they have been scheduled to do so. "And I have a feeling that this is the year when we once again play about 162 baseball games." As per its custom, the team is also expected to wear distinctive uniforms.

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/cubs_to_continue_tradition?utm_source=onion_rss_daily

Mr. Stanfield's inner dialogue at work

Don't shy away from the true face of your 2009 Boney Noses.

How Marlo Feels about his 2009 Squad of Noses

Face That Launched A Thousand... Cream Pies?

Stanton's Pre-Draft Intimidation Face:

Stanton, Post-Draft, Dealing with the Reality of yet another 9th place team:

Humble Request

A-Rod's picture should not appear on this blog, anywhere, ever Especially when there's two of them in the same picture. This is common sense and human decency, no?

Arod...Really...Really Good looking...

Yankees excited to needle Rodriguez about his career as a model

By David Brown

As Alex Rodriguez recovers from hip surgery in Colorado, his Yankees teammates are counting the seconds until he returns to the clubhouse.

Not so manager Joe Girardi can pencil him into the middle of the lineup and the Yanks can get on with winning the AL East. Alex's pals are dying to poke fun at Rodriguez, to his face, for his suggestive photo shoot in Details magazine.

In case you missed the Bronx Zoolander in action, here's a copy of his full portfolio.

So pouty!

The New York media already is investigating potential reaction from the club.

From Newsday:

One [player] said: "Don't worry, we'll be sure to make fun of him for it."

When shown the picture before Team USA's game in the World Baseball Classic, Derek Jeter appeared a bit taken aback but had no comment. He shook his head and said: "All sorts of articles coming out."

What else could ballplayers possibly do to pile on Rodriguez, who already has endured a divorce, reaction to his admission about using steroids and his omnipresent cousin Yuri this off-season?

• "Hey, Alex. Was that Blue Steel or Driven?"

• "When does the video premiere on MTV?"

• "When does your run in the cast of 'Rent' start?"

• "Was that your real mattress?"

Maybe they won't be so nice.

Roberts Beltran Reyes

Here are my keepers gentlemen...
A-Roid - Hopefully this mutt doesn't play a game
Tiny Tim Lincecum
Fat Albert Pujols

Meet Your New Accountant

As many of you know, Frank Sobotka wasn't the best accountant in the land. Something about a stained glass window and busybody Greeks. This year, Marlo Stanfield will be your humble accountant. The stash will be safe.

Issues:

1) Three checks were not yet cashed from last year's dues. They belong to: Mr. John Leclerc, Mr. Jeffrey Kim and Mr. Michael Spolyar. So, therefore, you three gentlemen will see a $20 red gash on your bank statement in upcoming days. Prepare for it accordingly.

2) Once these funds are turned into cash, the cash will go to the Ass-Head for his second place finish last year. He will use them, no doubt, to bribe the Commish to allow him a few more clandestine moves per week this time 'round.

3) $20 is owed to the team that came in 7th (Which Frank Sobotka thinks is terribly silly, in every way conceivable, not least because it forces us to try to remember who finished in 7th). So: who is the GM of that magical monster of a team? You've got a cool $20 coming your way.

3A) We should get rid of the above prize structure and give the $20 to the third place finisher. Yes?

4) This year's dues should be given to Marlo Stanfield in person during the draft in Austin or via snail mail, at:

Krzys Piekarski

500 South Congress Ave

Apt 243

Austin, TX 78704

Chin Musicians declare keepers!

Cole Hamels
Brandon Webb
Manny Ramirez

Selfish Foraging

After sending out my inquiry squad to find out Blog and the nature of drafting place, and after much antennae crossing, I now report the following keepers to all you higher-ups at court: Utley, Upton, and Haren.

The formidable duo of Utley and Upton (whom I selfishly foraged from Nepenthe's roster for a ubaldo) were a match for my robust mandible. Haren, not as much. I was able to seize him by the middle, heave him high in air, and carry him up two rounds in draft position with little effort.

[Pictured: Jerry McCormic takes care not to damage a delicate keeper while carrying him to opening day.]

http://oldpoetry.com/opoem/30302-Robert-Frost-Departmental-wbr-

Ass-headed Bottom Stadium

An Allegory in Two Acts

Ass-headed bottom is much like our current financial system or one of our proud yet fragile banks. Ass-head drafted the likes of Jimmy Rollins, BJ Upton and Brandon Webb; his one-two-three from last season. A careful and well thought out position, based on the probability of long-term success, enabling his franchise to succeed for years to come. Up and coming blue chip stocks, some risk, but high probability of reward.

However, much like our financial community, The Ass-head found himself gripped by the euphoria of cheap trades and short-term gains. Oh the heady days of last summer, when a man could trade BJ Upton for the likes of Ubaldo Jimenez with glee, only to caste aside Jimenez in a fit of elation for the temporary gain of some inscrutable Rockies player plucked from the free-agent market. And if Rollins proved to be under-performing in the short-run, well caste him aside for the indomitable Conor Jackson. The Ass-head was on shaky ground his balance sheet in the red, the only solution more and more risky trades, stranger adds and odder drops, anything to improve the balance of his assets.

Well the economy has turned, reality has set in, the bubble has burst. The Ass-head’s closing roster is full of toxic assets. He is forced to rely on the likes of Youk (a stalwart), Gonzalez and Rios - MDP of 41, 37.53 and 44.30. His claim to 3 third round picks seems a stretch. A fine collection of 4th round picks. But again, what better way to improve your balance sheet then delusion. There is no crisis.

How did it come to this? Where is Brandon Webb’s arm and BJ Upton’s speed? How did the Old Ruske end up with Rollins?

Long drafts of sweet-nepenthe indeed. I name you Bear Stearns, City-Group, AIG.

R.I.P. Ass-Headed... Ummm... What was his name again?

It was that whore-of-all-whores, Helen, who first got me hooked on nepenthe, not long after she got back from Troy--ashes from that once-proud city still bedaubing her infamous knockers. She became a nep-head in Egypt, while her dingle of a husband was off conversing with seals. She would swirl the distilled liquor into her wine--turning the anti-depressant up to 11--and by the time Telemakhos and I crashed her son's wedding years later she was mixing the legendary cocktails for everyone, whether they were into it or not. She got so good at it that no one could catch her in the act (we were, we confess, looking at her divine boobs, and by then she was in her forties... sheeeeeet...). It took a few minutes, admittedly, but it wasn't some cheap high. It made you forget your sorrows. All of them. You could be history's most notorious whore, and still you could have a good time.

Lately I've been swilling down more and more of it. Not that I have many sorrows. Chiefly one. The fact that last season, with an ass's head for a head, I warred against the league and almost won. Ah, y'all don't remember it now--all you nepped-up motherfuckers--but it did come down to the last damn game of the season vs. Amphetamine (Nepenthe's nemesis!).

I was proudest, of course, of my hee-haw effrontery. What business did I have, with my asinine patchwork of a team, planting hoofprints in my opponent's shriveled scrotum each passing week? Each week a hee-haw for ya, until the anti-Ass posts on our league page proliferated like leaves in everybody else's sad little autumn. And the Ass-Head is forgotten now (Frank F-ing Sobotka didn't even remember him long enough to send him his silver-medal money)...

And my twelve moves a week? Forget it. Zeus on high recently singed my Ass-Head off with a lightning bolt, and left me, let's face it, with few options. Because it's a keeper league now, and I came within a few innings of gold last year with pure waiver-wire ass-shit. It was beautiful while it lasted. The looks on your virtual faces...

Hence Sweet Nepenthe. Let's forget the past. Let's forget everything! For starters, let's try to forget that each of my keepers is really a third-round draft pick:

Youk, obviously. Notice that back then size wasn't everything.

Rios. So many times last year I wanted to crucify him. This year maybe he'll save me.

Adrian Gonzalez. Oy.

And now, L'chaim!, my fellow Noses! With keepers like these, I must drink up!

Scubasteve Keepers

I need more than 3 keepers! For now...

1)CC (unless he unleashes himself repeatedly on some bbq)
2)Johan (can he be any better than average before the break?)
3)Matt Holliday (What happens once he's left hitters nirvana?)

This is the territory you've entered Jeffery

The "Big Puma", self-titled, with his Cubs.  The world of the Astros fan welcomes you, Jeffery.

Daisuke Speaks

Gentlemen, after a disgraceful absence, I vow for a turnaround season. I will be riding the coattails of

Hanley "Which way to Boston" Ramirez




Dustin "The Amazing Bald(ing) 6 year old Boy" Pedroia,




and Lance "I don't have 1 incriminating photo online" Berkman.

Rules

I've made some changes to the stat categories, and I think they represent what I would like to see as the final cut. That doesn't mean that these are inflexible, it's just that there would have to be significant opposition to them. The idea last year was to make things all accumulative rather than %. That did not work. What we have here are 6 categories on each side that I think we can all agree are important and can prep a draft for. They are:

R, HR, RBI, AVG, OBP, SLG

and

W, L, HR, K, ERA, WHIP

Each side has a "net" category: Net steals for offense and net saves for pitching. I think this adds an interesting wrinkle to these stats and brings them more into line with who is actually good who just tries a lot. I'm looking at you, Joe Borowski.

Each side also has a"fluke" stat: Hitting for the Cycle and pitching a no-hitter. They happen at about the same rate (very rarely), but hey, if you get one, you should get something special.

We have removed IP as a pitching stat, but we have kept our 35 minimum innings.

There has been a fair amount of complaint about the success that "elbow grease" can insure in the league. In order to curb that slightly, I've added a 5 move per week limit. That number results from averaging the number of moves made last year and dividing it by the number of weeks. So, Dan, instead of taking the time to make 12 moves a week, you can spend that time really thinking about which 5 you want to make. I hope the sense of this is clear, but grousers are welcome to email me and we'll see if we can come to common ground.

OK, that's it. Looking forward to finishing in 7th place.

-Commish

Keepers

Hello Noses,

We're all signed up except for Jeff who contacted me yesterday and asked me to resubmit the invitation. He should be online soon. As I said in an earlier email, we will be posting keepers on the league blog. (http://boneynoses.blogspot.com/). While I have really enjoyed the posts from the Old Russians, I'm a Werewolf Baby!, and Arch Stanton, there is a point of order that needs to be cleared up.

The draft is March 28th at 2:00pm CDT. I think we should set a deadline for keeper submissions two weeks prior so that people can switch from looking at porn to looking at possible draft scenarios while at work. Remember that you can keep 3 players. These players must have been on your team before the trade deadline and stayed on your team through the end of the season. The league functionaries will vet your selections.

The problem here is that teams who have posted to the blog may have one of those guys blow out his knee before the deadline. Do they still have to keep that guy because they are premature technophile ejaculators? No. Whichever three players are posted for your team at 12:01am Saturday, March 14th will be your keepers. At that point, a list will be compiled and submitted throughout the league.

Your responsibility does not end there.

YOU MUST RANK YOUR PLAYERS BEFORE THE DRAFT, PLACING YOUR THREE KEEPERS AT THE TOP OF THE LIST.

We all know how much it sucks to get kicked out of the draft when it's your turn for some reason. This is a fail safe to make sure the first three rounds run smoothly. Please, take this seriously.

-Commish

Arch Stanton Act 2

Old Arch Stanton is planning to put you in the grave with a one-two-three gut shot of Jose Miguel Mickey Mantle Torres Cabrera, Grady Linebacker Sizemore III, and Jason Raymond BayWatch.

Wolf's Keepers: Braun, Hamilton, Teixeira

Three finer players I have not seen.