Ass-headed Bottom Stadium

An Allegory in Two Acts

Ass-headed bottom is much like our current financial system or one of our proud yet fragile banks. Ass-head drafted the likes of Jimmy Rollins, BJ Upton and Brandon Webb; his one-two-three from last season. A careful and well thought out position, based on the probability of long-term success, enabling his franchise to succeed for years to come. Up and coming blue chip stocks, some risk, but high probability of reward.

However, much like our financial community, The Ass-head found himself gripped by the euphoria of cheap trades and short-term gains. Oh the heady days of last summer, when a man could trade BJ Upton for the likes of Ubaldo Jimenez with glee, only to caste aside Jimenez in a fit of elation for the temporary gain of some inscrutable Rockies player plucked from the free-agent market. And if Rollins proved to be under-performing in the short-run, well caste him aside for the indomitable Conor Jackson. The Ass-head was on shaky ground his balance sheet in the red, the only solution more and more risky trades, stranger adds and odder drops, anything to improve the balance of his assets.

Well the economy has turned, reality has set in, the bubble has burst. The Ass-head’s closing roster is full of toxic assets. He is forced to rely on the likes of Youk (a stalwart), Gonzalez and Rios - MDP of 41, 37.53 and 44.30. His claim to 3 third round picks seems a stretch. A fine collection of 4th round picks. But again, what better way to improve your balance sheet then delusion. There is no crisis.

How did it come to this? Where is Brandon Webb’s arm and BJ Upton’s speed? How did the Old Ruske end up with Rollins?

Long drafts of sweet-nepenthe indeed. I name you Bear Stearns, City-Group, AIG.